Okay, how about this for a movie idea... Sam Spade versus penguins. We can make a time machine, kidnap Humphrey Bogart from the 1940's, and force him to play the part for cheap. It'll be cool and noir and shit... The intro would go a little something like this...
*flash of lightning*
*Shot of the sky, it's dark and rainy*
*pan down to a diner in the middle of the desert, being bombarded by a thunderstorm*
It looked like a diner, but it felt like hell. I sat alone in the dark; strong black coffee in front of me, memories of deeds best forgotten behind me. Even the ghosts of those who've been here were gone. Just me and the wet clanging of the thunderstorm outside. Well, not quite alone... There was her. Most places like this have a waitress, this one had a demon serving coffee. She was wearing a pink uniform and a wry smile, but that didn't fool me any. There was something wrong about her. She comes up to me every now and again, asking if I want more coffee... but I know there's something else under those dark empty eyes. Makes me sick. Her woddling back and forth, pretending to care. Sometimes, a flash of lightning interrupts the darkness, and I catch a flash of her face... her pear body... And I see it. The beak, the feathers. the useless wings. Fucking penguins... They're everywhere, and someone has to stop them.
*cue intro music, performed by george clinton*
I'm thinking maybe Dave Chapelle, Uma Thurman, Leanord Nimoy, Lauren Bacall and Kenneth Branagh to fill in the rest of the cast.